


Breaking The Habit

by Lindsey7618



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 15:43:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15777114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindsey7618/pseuds/Lindsey7618
Summary: Trigger warning: self harm and suicide.Based off "Breaking The Habit" by Linking Park. Obviously title credit goes to them.__He was tired of it all; he wanted it all to end. He wondered if he would ever be released from the front lines of this war. Battle after battle, he was never allowed to rest for more then a few mere minutes. Just enough to pull up the strength to fight the next battle, but never enough to win.





	Breaking The Habit

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: self harm and suicide.

 

_Memories consume_

_Like opening the wounds_

_I'm picking me apart again_

 

His thoughts were clouding his mind,spreading over any few rational thoughts left until nothing but the bitterness remained. He couldn't stop searching through every past memory, grabbing at all the things done wrong, every mistake he ever made. The urges to hurt himself, split his skin open until the pain trickled out, were taking over like a cage trapping him so he couldn't break free. He so desperately wanted to break free.

 

_You all assume_

_I'm safe here in my room_

_Unless I try to start again_

 

Starting again. That was exactly what Alec intended to do. Everyone would be so disappointed if they knew, but what would it matter if he were dead? He wasn't in control anymore and he didn't want to be.

 

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

_'Cause inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused_

 

He was tired of it all; he wanted it all to end. He wondered if he would ever be released from the front lines of this war. Battle after battle, he was never allowed to rest for more then a few mere minutes. Just enough to pull up the strength to fight the next battle, but never enough to win.

 

Enough to summon a little bit of hope, but never enough to keep it. Enough to muster up the strength to win, but never enough to hold onto it. He was losing against himself. 

 

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

 

Alec felt like shouting out at the whole world. He wanted to scream about how much pain he was in, how much he just wanted something to take it all away, something to just please give him some relief, _please_. But he couldn't. His disorder had sewn his mouth shut and tied it tight. No one could hear his screams.

 

He had a habit of starting fights, particularly with Jace, and snapping at people in general. He had brightened up when Magnus came into the picture- smashed through it, really, with a charming smile and a mysterious air around him, that immediately brought Alec's walls crashing die to splatter all over the ground in pieces.

 

But Magnus wasn't the fix to Alex's problem. The light to his dark, yes, but Alec's darkness grew from deep within, twisting and turning its way up and out of him like poison. Soon, he feared, it would consume him and swallow him whole.

 

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not all right_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit tonight_

 

He couldn't remember how he got this way, let alone when it started. Everything was a blur; his whole life had been a blur. Maybe he was just better off dead. Maybe he could finally give those around him peace.

 

_Clutching my cure_

_I tightly lock the door_

_And try to catch my breath again_

 

Alec fumbled around in his drawers, searching for the one thing he needed, the only thing that would bring him relief."Fuck, where is it?" he whispered, slamming drawer after drawer. He _needed_ it.

 

_I hurt much more_

_Than any time before_

_I have no options left again_

 

Everything was suffocating him. He felt as though someone was holding his head under water while the rest of him was free to kick and hit but no one heard his muffled screams. This was the only thing that could save him now. There was nothing else to try. He had already attempted everything else. Ultimately it was either this or die.

 

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

_'Cause inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused_

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

 

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be all right_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

 

Maybe, he thought, he would rather die.

 

_I'll paint it on the walls_

_'Cause I'm the one at fault_

_I'll never fight again_

_And this is how it ends_

 

It was all his fault. All of this had started with him, and it would end with him, too. He was the only who could remedy this.

 

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_But now I have some clarity_

_To show you what I mean_

 

_I don’t know how I got this way_

_I’ll never be alright_

 

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

 

Maybe death was his only option.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Please drop a comment with some feedback and kudos- I'd love to know what you thought. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!! <3 I'm here if anyhow needs to talk.


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